if i had my own tv show

Most people don’t know this about me, but I’m not so great in front of an audience. Put me at the head of a table and ask me to conduct a meeting and I’m fine, as long as you let me stay seated. Put me at a podium, standing on stage, in front of an audience that is staring at me and I will freeze!! I’ve been told that I hide it well externally, but I don’t believe that for a second. Internally I feel like I am on fire, I constantly pan the room looking for the nearest exit and the clearest path towards it so I waste no time getting out the door and away from the scary audience when I’m finally done presenting.

this is my adorable nephew evan, the pic makes sense when you get to the last paragraph

In the fall of 2002, my siblings and I were on the Weakest Link. The audience was behind us and in total darkness, but I still felt their presence. The lighting on set was such that I could really only see the host, cameras/crew and my siblings, but I knew everyone behind me was staring at me, waiting for me to give the wrong answer. And really? Did I really miss a Britney Spears question on national tv?? That aside, I think my true downfall was that no one was standing there by my side. My closest sibling was only 2-3 ft away but at her own podium which made it feel like it was 2-3 football fields away. Even worse was the after-interview: just me, the camera, and two of the staff egging me on to make a nasty comment about one of my siblings. If you’ve ever seen the show, and no I won’t show you if you haven’t seen it, I was awful!!

In contrast, my sister and I were on VH-1’s very short lived series Motor Mouths and I wasn’t the least bit nervous. It was just us, alone in a car filled with hidden cameras, singing along to the cd they gave us, with me trying to get her to make a fool out of herself and eat a Slim Jim. I was totally fine, because I had my sister, an ally, sitting there right beside me through the whole thing. The episode only aired once, and I do not have a recording, but I did so much better. I was at ease, relaxed, totally as if the cameras weren’t there … until the last and final moments when all these people jumped out at us to tell my sister the jig was up and that she’d just been filmed for national tv. When that happened, I nearly sh*t, but so did she so I looked fine in comparison.

Therefore, if I had my own cooking show, I would want to have guest “stars” on all the time. Not true stars in the sense that they are in movies or are on tv (although that would be nice), but rather I’d want to have the people who have starred in my life and who would make excellent co-hosts to help me feel more at ease. If I had my nearest and dearest there with me, Dan flanking the stage and a friend or family member standing there with me to chat in front of the cameras while I cook, then I’d be a-ok! I think for my first episode, I’d want my dad to be there. After all, he’s the one that first taught me to cook; making E.T. shaped pancakes on Sunday mornings. My first episode would be “It’s all about family” with my dad and maybe my nephew Evan there too. We would make pancakes together, buckwheat of course, and dad could demonstrate how to make the perfect dunkin’ egg. We’d talk about how much fun we had on Sunday mornings, making breakfast for the family then going out and spending the day playing sports or ice skating on the frozen lake. I could give my quick lesson on the importance of a good, healthy breakfast to fit in line with my show’s theme, Evan could roll his eyes.

After we clean up the pancakes, Evan and I could make some chocolate chip cookies, a staple I recall from my childhood that went great with hot chocolate after a long day of playing out in the snow and over which we often recounted stories from our day. My aunt Jill makes the absolute best chocolate chip cookies in the world so she may have to be there so Evan can do a side-by-side taste comparison of Jill’s regular cookies vs. my healthy whole wheat ones. Even if he chose Jill’s, I wouldn’t mind, I’d just be having a fun time in the kitchen with family. And I must admit, I wouldn’t be surprised if Jill’s cookies were the winner, I think I’d choose them too!

My overall theme to my 1st season would be quick & easy, healthy family meals. I’d close out my episode by reminding my virtual tv audience that I believe a kitchen makes a home and that no matter how busy you are, if you follow my recipes you will never be too busy to spend family time, in the kitchen together. Then maybe the camera would pan over to Evan’s adorably chocolate covered smile (seriously, how cute is that kid?) and he could say “bye!!” I’d give everyone a hug and whew! first episode over.

I choose the stick …

From time to time, I make rash decisions and put myself through complete and utter torture. I’ve done bootcamp a few times, tried belly dancing (which was more emotionally scarring than physical), trained for a half-marathon and had countless other “great” ideas turn painful. This week? The Cleanse!!! I came home from work today with an enormo bottle of pills and told Dan that a coworker and I had made a pact to do a cleanse together. She’ll be doing a cleanse that I did last December; however, I’ve ventured into the unsafe and decided to try something completely new and unknown. Dan’s response: ugh that means wheat flour and no ice cream again; ok fine, but you’re not using MY bathroom!! Can you at least make that lemonade parfait stuff? As usual, he got over it pretty quickly as he knows it’s difficult to sway me once I’ve made up my mind about something. Easier to grin and bear it than argue the unwinnable argument.

Last December, I had more vacation time than I could carry forward into the new year and decided to take the week of Christmas off. In typical fashion, I was unable to sit still after the first few minutes Saturday morning (even before the first work-day off), took my car to get an oil change, and while walking around Wal-Mart trying to waste time while waiting on my car, I wandered into the scary vitamin aisle and had the GREAT idea to purchase a cleanse. I sat there waiting on my car, read the little pamphlet cover-to-cover and prepared myself mentally for the inevitable physical pain. As with anytime I decide to do something crazy like cut out carbs or give up my vino, I went on a total food bender and put off starting the cleanse until Monday. Monday morning, after Dan went to work and before a visit to the dog park, I googled, searched blogs and read message boards trying to understand what I had gotten myself into. It scared me sh*tless, but I’d made my mind up and I was going to get through it no matter what!! Just before lunch, after the visit to the dog park, I took my first dose … nothing. Before bed, I took my second dose … nothing. Day 1 came and went with nothing notable. Day 2 came and went with nothing notable.

Day 3. While not painful and awful, it wasn’t fun. I tend to be a private person when it comes to those things, even though the rest of my company (minus a few) clearly do not have my same issue, so I won’t go into too much detail. Day 4, fine. Day 5: I decided that I was fine, my body prevailed and had won out in the fight against the cleanse. I was going to be fine so why not just eat what I want instead of keeping to the high-fiber, low-cal, low-fat, fruit and vegetable rich diet … I wanted WINGS!! Big mistake, big, HUGE mistake (see Pretty Woman). Day 6, wings still hurt. Day 7, fine. Day 8 … 7lbs down!! Initially, I thought it was just water weight and the wings that made the difference, but two weeks later those 7lbs became 10lbs and stayed off. The cleanse was a success.

Now as I sit here perched on the edge of summer with zero will to eat right or exercise, I’ve decided to try another cleanse to kick start my efforts. While I could just do the same one I did before, I couldn’t find it in the store and was too impatient to wait and go to another store. Therefore, I bought a different kind of cleanse to try. So at least for the next 14, yes, 14 days I will eat healthy and do some exercise, if for no other reason than the fear of the consequence. In the age old tale of the carrot and the stick, I choose the stick. With my whole wheat banana bread baking away in the oven for my week’s breakfasts and the turkey chili simmering on the stove for lunches, I am prepared. Wish me luck!!!